Discover the Devastating Effects of Divorce on the Family

Before making that hasty decision to end your marriage, think carefully because divorce does not always end marital problems.  On the contrary, it merely exchanges one set of problems for another. 

The Bible also does not treat divorce casually.  It states that God views as treacherous and hateful the frivolous putting away of one’s mate, perhaps with the motive of taking another spouse.  Nevertheless, the Bible allows for divorce on one ground- sexual relations outside marriage (Adultery).  Therefore, if you learn that your mate has been unfaithful, you have the right to terminate the marriage but must remain unmarried until death.  

Others should not impose their view on you, and it is not my intention to do that because in the end, you are the one who will live with the consequences; therefore, you are the one who will decide what you really want for your self.

Hence, even if you have scriptural grounds for divorce, you would do well to give serious thought to what that step will entail so that you do not regret your actions.  Below are some of the effects of divorce on the whole family.

The effect on Finance

Lucy had been married for 14 years and had three children, before   she found out that her husband had been having an affair with a colleague in his office.  By the time she knew about it, the woman was six months pregnant for her husband. After a period of separation from her husband, she decided to get a divorce.  As soon as they separated, her economic situation became disastrous.  Sometimes she said “I didn't even have an evening meal, I would just drink a glass of milk”. 

She said her ex-husband did not give any financial support; she had to work very hard to pay off debts.  She also had to move from a comfortable house to a small apartment in an unsafe area.

As these experiences show, the divorce often deals a devastating financial blow to the woman.  In fact, a seven-year European study revealed that while the income of men increased by 11 percent after divorce, women’s income decreased by 17 percent.  It is difficult for some women, says Mieke Jansen, who headed the study, because they have to care for the children, find a job as well as deal with the emotional trauma of divorce.  London’s Daily Telegraph noted that according to some attorneys, these factors now force people to think twice about splitting up.

The truth to note here is that if you should divorce your spouse, there will be a reduction in your income.  You may also have to move out of your matrimonial home but if you retain custody, it may be difficult to support yourself and adequately care for the needs of your children because some men usually disappear after divorce.

Parenting Effects

One of the major Challenges of divorce is the issue of parenting. A separated partner has to be both the mother and father to the children.  She has to make all the decisions herself.  Training of children can be a very difficult task even when the parents are staying together not to talk of when they are separated. Grace a divorced mother in Ibadan said “I was given full custody of my 17 year old son.  “She says, but adolescence is a difficult time, and I was ill-prepared to raise my son alone.  I spent days and nights sobbing.  I felt like a failure as a mother”.

Male children are often bonded to their mothers and as such are usually pampered.  Experience has shown that male children do not easily adhere to instructions; they want to know whether you are serious or not before they will do what you want.  They need some measure of high handedness and strictness which some mothers do lack.  A separated mother is always not capable of training male children.

Those who share custody may face an additional problem – having to negotiate with the ex-spouse on such delicate issues as visitation arrangements, child support, and discipline. Creating a working relationship with your ex-husband is not easy.  There are so many emotions involved, and if you are not careful, you could end up using your child as a tool in manipulating the situation.

The effect on lingering feelings and resentments of spouse

Mark, from Britain, was betrayed by his wife more than once.  The second time he said he could not cope with the possibility that it could happen again. So, he divorced his wife, but he found that his feelings for her lingered.  When people say negative things about her, they think they’re helping; but they are actually hurting him.

Love stays for a long time, and divorce cannot break it easily.  The thought that another man is holding, kissing and sleeping with your wife or husband can be very devastating.  The problem of doubting if someone could really love you or whether this might happen again if you remarry is always there.  This can shake your confidence.

If you are divorced, it is only to be expected that you will experience a wide range of emotions.  On the one hand, you might still feel love for this person with whom you shared a one flesh bond.  On the other hand, you might feel resentful over what has occurred even after several years.  You will feel confused, humiliated, and helpless. 

Many happy moments from your marriage would come to mind, and you think:  ‘He used to tell me that he couldn’t live without me.  Was he always lying? Why did this happen?  You may have lingering feelings of anger and resentment over the maltreatment you have suffered from your spouse.  At times, loneliness may be overwhelming.

The Devastating effect on the Children

Children are often the forgotten casualties on the divorce battlefield.  But what if two parents just do not get along?  In such case, is divorce really better for the children?  In recent years, that notion has come under attack especially when marital problems are not extreme.  The book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce states: “Many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content.  They don’t care if Mom and Dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together”. 

Admittedly, children are often aware of parental conflicts, and marital tension can take a toll on their young minds and hearts.  However, to assume that a divorce will automatically be in their best interests could be a mistake. 

The structure that marriage provides appears to help parents maintain the kind of consistent, moderate discipline to which children respond, even when the marriage is less than ideal. Divorce could have a devastating effect on your children, especially if they are not encouraged to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse. 

I have discussed four factors that you would do well to consider if you are thinking about divorce.  As mentioned earlier, if your spouse has been unfaithful, the decision is yours to make.  Whichever course you choose, you need to be aware of the consequences. 

Know what challenges you will face, and be prepared to deal with them.

After considering the matter, you might feel that the better option is to work to improve your marriage.    

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